I said that I’d be working harder at this, but I’ve been doing a fairly poor job of that, haven’t I?
This global pandemic came at a very, very bad time for me. I was planning on starting to step back from the level of writing I’d been in before because relying on it while dealing with mood instability has been difficult… but this sort of put all of those plans on hold–I’m sure that you can quite easily imagine why.
A friend of mine has COVID. Living in Oregon, I’m on lockdown. We can go outside to walk if we can avoid people, or shop for necessities, and… nothing else. I’m an introvert, but I’d been relying on long slow walks outside for a lot of things, and losing that has been demoralizing, as has the uncertainty of the future.
Computer problems have compounded things. I needed to get my hands on a new system due to instability on the former, but let’s say the new one isn’t… exactly the most comfortable feeling either, so I’ve been struggling to get that figured out, too, and running into new problems amidst a global pandemic? Not great.
I considered not posting this. We’re amidst a global pandemic, and people come to M. Kistulot, the Madam Kistulot, etc, to get off. To cum. To get some hot fiction…
But I’m also the writer of The Memory Remains, and a fair few other distressing stories. I’m a woman, real and living, and you wouldn’t read my blog if you didn’t want some kind of connection beyond solely reading my work.
A lot of people are using the time in lockdown to get things down, stories written, projects created, etc… and for me, a woman who has spent a lot, a lot of time writing, creating, producing projects while maintaining a traditional job, while going to school, while focusing on nothing else… I’ve had a hell of a time.
The future is uncertain. The past feels useless to show me what to expect. The present is a state of stasis, and I don’t handle feelings of being helpless well when I can’t safeword out or get some moment of catharsis.
I’m not the only one, and if this is affecting you, too, that’s okay. Last year was rough on me, a disastrous illness that felt nearly lethal, a big break-up, and a fair few projects that fell through and didn’t quite work out the way that I’d hoped. If you had a 2019 anything like I did, then 2020 hits and even if you try to keep in mind a year is an artificial unit of time…
A lot of us were hoping 2020 would bring us something new, something different, some new chances and opportunities, and it didn’t do that for a lot of us.
Right now, the best thing that we can do is try to be there for each other, and ourselves. What will the future bring? I don’t know. How long will it take for life to feel like it isn’t an indefinite waiting period? I’m not sure either.
But I’m trying to make it so I have new content to offer, and I hope that things are going alright for all of you, too.
Best hopes and wishes for all of you.
Until next time… take care of yourselves and each other.